im looking thru my desired course details now.
Digital Media Design- Games.

i dunno why, but the more i read about it, the more excited i get.
and this is when i realise,
hell yea.
i want this course very badly.

what the school website provides is pretty helpful and relevant. And very, very detailed. The following is just a little snippet, and it really perked me up and got my heart racing:

What is the cut-off-point to get into the course?

It differs from year to year and is only announced after JAE is concluded, by MOE. If you need advice, please come down and visit us during Open house and JAE for counseling.
Again, we emphasize the importance for the applying candidate to like drawing, design, and be passionate about either animation/games design/interactive design/motion graphics/programing. The focus is based on choice as well as relevant results.

What kind of portfolio am I expected to have?

Hi, we know your anxiety. So we have this post just to explain in clear what we expect from your portfolio. Kindly read through carefully. Please remember that this is only a guide. If you feel that you have something special and it does not fall under our suggested form, please bring it, show it to us. We would love to see your passion and talent!

OK. Ready?

1. Do not show us stuff you did as homework unless it stands out from whatever your classmates did.
2. Organize the portfolio based on what you want to tell us MOST about you. Meaning, your BEST works must be placed right in front.
3. The portfolio MUST show THINGS OF YOUR INTEREST. Do not show us what your teachers wanted you to do. It is about you, not them. If you are obsessed with creating designs for Barbie dolls, show us that. If you are obsessed with drawing comic stories, show us that.
4. Do not show us sketches or rendered pieces of images copied from someone else's art work, nor sketches done from photos of your idols. We want to see you draw using real-life objects or human beings or outdoor as reference.
5. Bring your doodles, sketch book along.
6. Make sure works you include in your portfolio are completed works. Do not submit things done half way. It shows badly on your attitude. To include one or two of your latest in-progress works are fine.
7. Show your latest works. Not stuff you did 5, 10 years back.
8. Keep it simple. Do not spend money and time decorating portfolio cover. We want to see your drawings, painting, designs, illustrations, story, ideas, photos, web site designs, etc.
9. After you have assembled your portfolio, approach a few people whom you think can give you honest feedback. Ask them what their impression of the works is. What is their immediate emotional experience going through it. If it is not working the way you want it, make changes before you submit. If the impression is very school like, or textbook like, change it.

WARNING: Do not ever use works created by others! We have seen and documented a lot of portfolios. If we suspect you, we will test you on the spot. Even if a student did get by the interview and got into the course using others' work/s, if discovered, WILL BE IMMEDIATELY removed. Remember, we mentor the progress of all our students individually. Wishing you all the best!!

Yep. I need those well-wishes. The first time my eyes met with this course, I felt an instant connection. It was a spark, a glint, and something went off in my heart. I am clear of where my passion lies, and the burning passion I possess for games and drawing alike is a flame that will never be extinguished. There is something about this course that draws me to it. And my fears- oh, my fears of having to change a living environment and leave Singapore, my dear home where everything that s close to me is- I'm willing to put that all down and chase my dreams.
It s my first real ambition.
Ive never felt for anything related to my education- my future, so strongly before.
I just know that deep down, somewhere in there, this is what I wanna do.

But I 'll be honest here. I dont know what I'm up against; I dont know how good my competitors will be. All this shit- it doesnt matter. Because I will use everything,

everything i got

To take them down.

stupid shit.
im not so dumb, alright?
i can tell.
dont need eyes to see it.
it s as clear as day and as obvious as night.

im gonna act like i dont know.
i have to.
because i cant be the one
saying sorry to you all the time.


im not your slave
dont expect me to be there everytime you need me to.

listen up.
im not someone you can take for granted.

so stop your whining
and shut up.

school's reopening.... someone reassure me with the amount of homework they havent done. *sick feeling at the months of shit ahead*

it s not the first time ive experienced this ucky feeling. in fact ive been living for 15 years, so why does this crap-holidays-over-back-to-stupid-school feeling still seem so fresh, as if it s the first time im experiencing it?

*miserablemiserabledrownsinmisery*

worst thing is, this particular june holiday felt like the shortest one in my life. OTL. ive not accomplished much, as i had originally set out to do.

but then again, doesnt this happen all the time, christal?


.....



zzz...



. . . .




at times like this,

SOMEONE JUST STAB ME OMG

shit why is the school email down.

I NEED TO ACCESS IT.

----
sigh. i saw my friend and her bro+parents from afar today. wanted to shout hi but too far. and i didnt have her number so i couldnt text her my greeting.

i saw them laughing, loving, from afar.
i watched them with a smile as i waited for the green man to come.

she s shown me a sms convo that took place with her mum and her before. it s so informal, with a dozen emoticons and the way she talks to her mother... it s as if they were close friends. and-


well.
for that moment i wished i were her.
i wish my family isnt how it s like now.
but it s like that and theres nothing i can do.

i thought i was fine with it, afterall
it s been 4 years since it happened.

but seeing my friend today
i realise
that wound's not healed yet.

y u take so long?

deep down inside though
i knew that
even if my family was still how it was before that incident

nothing would change.

i was just born into a family with a certain structure
a certain way of going about, doing things.
a family that s fated to turn out like this.

im not the worse out there
i know.

a pang of sadness shot through me
anyway.

as if my wound
has been wounded again.
----



okay. ive typed it out. time to push those feelings away. dont ask me what happened and all, if youre going to. i tell when i choose, and i choose who i want to tell it to.
this blog is my ranting space, afterall. whatever i want up here, goes up here.
----
amath hwk is killing me OTL
outlook please be up soon ahhh
will be going out everyday for the rest of this week. i wanna stay at home D8

i shut the letter box, drawing the rusty old key out of the keyhole.

straightening up, i turned around-

-oh- -

to realise he was still there.

it didnt take long for the probing of my eyes before he started speaking, maybe even slightly nervously.

"um."

"quick. go on. you have all of my attention," i smiled encouragingly.

he turned his attention to the floor, blinking.

once, twice, blinking hard.

i watched his eyelids flutter, patiently waiting.

----
he was never one of many words.
his vocal chords were probably severely underused.
so when he did have words to put across,
it never did any harm to listen.
----

"i-" he stuttered.

i tilted my head, curious.

"i hope you can come to my graduation ceremony!"

wind suddenly rushed by, lifting the flyers littered all over the floor, rendering them airborne, swirling at our knees. i watched his tousled hair- and fringe- circle as invisible tendrils of air swept them from side to side, playful. a cascade of newly-fallen leaves flew in from behind me, scattering upon the ground. a leaf landed in his hair, and, with a casual smile, i reached over to pull it out.

The airborne flyers danced their last, slicing the air as they once more regained their positions on the ground. one of them brushed against my leg and i jerked at the sudden feather-light touch; my fingers overshot his hair and landed, softly, on his right cheek.

(lol for anime scene)

A shiver went through my body, as i felt my muscles clench. It was like a bolt of electricity had passed through his skin to my fingers, reverberating along my spine, up my neck, across my chest and down all the way past my legs to the very tip of my toes..
(is this how it s going to feel like everytime coming into contact with a guy?)
----

Quickly, with the solemn chimes of a church bell sounding, i regained my composure and drew the leaf out of his hair.

It seemed like years ago when he asked about his graduation ceremony.

"So... When is it?"

"Huh?"

"Your grad cerem-"

"Oh. Oh yea. Seventh. Seventh august. It s a tuesday. 7.30pm, at my school."

I was silent as i thought about my schedule.

And he was apprehensive. "So....?"

It has been almost 4 long years, my dear. Of course i'll go.


I smiled.




"I'll be there."

Eyes lighting up with excitement, he was just like the boy i used to play card games with. "Wear a dress ah."

"Then what. You think i look like the pants type of girl is it. Why so particular anyway?"

He laughed. "No, never that type. You could wear pants," he paused. "But you look nicer in a dress," he teased, giving his signature lazy, sexy, lopsided smile.

fuuuuuu-

"Walao," i hit him playfully on the shoulder, hiding the blush that had rushed to my face. I hoped it went as fast as it came. "Okay luh. Bye."

i turned tail and fled like a terrified lamb.

"See you!" he shouted after me. i could hear him smile, though i didnt turn around
----.

haiz. see me? your ceremony is 2 months away. lets hope nothing important crops up by then, hmm?
fuu.

Unraveling Your Identity

"a random drawing i did one night, uploaded onto my IG account..."

"hontou ni?! (really?!) *O*"

 comment from follower:








she s from denmark, apparently. but ahhhh really??? i dont get such comments very often- so naturally this has cheered me up quite a bit.

moving on....

----

so on Monday we had the art outing to Lasalle with Seedot. It was alright, cept' that we were the quieter group so maybe he had to initiate more convos; idk. Slightly awkward here and there, but it s tolerable. Awkwardness is normal anyway xD

We met at 1030 in school- I reached at 1025 to find only Jie Hui and Marlene there. "Where's the rest?" I probed.

"There's only two of us," Jie Hui replied.
"Seedot leh?" (of course i didnt use seedot on the actual event itself but this is my blog so i use whatever i want xD)
They shrugged.
So i went to return my report book to the G.O. and after coming back, no one else had arrived. Glancing at my watch, i frowned- it was already 1030. Ah, these people were late.

Including Seedot.

But nevermind. I'll wait. Nothing else i could do anyway, could i? I made a trip to the toilet and back- still no sign of anyone else. "No one?" I asked Marlene and Jie Hui to break the silence. "Did you see seedot this morning when you guys came?"

They shook their heads and i sighed as i sat down with them near the foyer steps. Whipping out my phone, i initiated the WiFi and waited for it to connect... Just then, a taxi rolled up to a stop before us and i recognised the familiar shape of the seedot's head and rectangular figure.

"Hmm," i thought to myself. "Speak of the devil."

Seedot dumped cash into the cabby's hands and got out of the cab. I watched him as he slammed the taxi door shut. A black tshirt with grey-ish jap prints... and bermudas. Gosh. I looked away immediately (and realised upon getting home that i shouldnt have looked away at once but stared for a bit to spot for leg hair.)

i dont think he had any, though.


Seedot walked up to us. "Only you all?"
Some random dibber-dabber conversation ensued after this when Prim, Sherri and Nicole arrived, each at different timings. They all apologised, but seedot didnt say anything. He wasnt in a position to anyway, cuz he himself was late. Tsk tsk punctuality...

With everyone present, he proceeded to call two cabs- i went with prim and nicole while he went with jie hui, marlene and sherri. We reached the art college earlier, so we sat below this black statue to wait. The other cab followed awhile later as I sat and watched Seedot slam a second taxi door shut again, while the others hopped out of the taxi and ambled up to us.

Then what happened next was pretty boring except for some bits here and there. We went to visit various art galleries- and it was an exhibition really, of the graduates' works. It all seemed pretty interesting at first, but after awhile there was something about the pieces- some vibe and uniformity that all the works possessed and gave off- and it became mundane. We still looked at the works though, to humour seedot. They had really weird fashion pieces. No offence, prim and i felt that they looked disgusting xD

We're aware. Disgust is a strong word. And that's what it is.

Seedot was enthusiastic about everything though, in his calm-ish way. His excitement doesnt just... break through like a flash of burning lightning and fire, where speech suddenly accelerates and eyes start to widen and gleam, which is the case for most people. He just started inspecting every piece of work, condemning most of it, giving little praise- and he talked to us as we ambled around the exhibition, going on and on about the process of making the piece. Especially his silkscreen related stuff.

There was a part where i spotted a jewellery work, and i thought the pattern on it was pretty, so i took a snapshot.It s like this teardrop-shaped, thin piece of metal, and it shimmered a dull gold. There were wavy, curly twirly patterns on it (you know, my kinda stuff). Seedot saw me taking a photo, and he came up to me and said "You like that?"

I was dissed. At his tone, the way he said it- everything. He sounded so disdainful. "Yes. I like it," I said, restraining my lips from curling into a sneer. "I like the wavy design. The curls. The pattern. Its dull glimmer." It s my preference, i silently added. My taste. I decide what i like or not. That easily includes you.

He turned his back and moved away, but not without one last look of slight contempt. I didnt even have to look at him- i could feel it emanating out of him in waves- waves even wavier that that of the metal jewellery piece that i was fond of. Pressing my lips into a thin, hard line, i moved onto other works with prim and soon got lost in the display of manga/videogame art. The earlier event was soon put away...

Awhile later, at another row of the exhibition, prim and i ran into him again. He was drawn, like moth to a flame, to a silkscreen/woodcraft work. Shit. We became targets of his endless rambling on silkscreen works, though we tried to pass by him silently. It was really long, his rambling. Prim and i occasionally exchanged glances that stated clearly- we need to get out of this bullshit. If only he'd caught our glances. He would probably have been insulted by our imprudence, though. But we crawled out of the hellhole, eventually.

Things were nt so bad after that. There was more conversation, but it was mutual. I ran into him at another part of the gallery and he asked "Christal, do you like digital art?"

And i was like "baby, baby baby ohh~"

LOLOLOL no lah jk. "NO." i stated, matter-of-factly.

"Good!" he exclaimed.

I stared at him. Good? "Why good?"

"I thought you didnt like traditional art."

"Nooo i really like it. I cant stand digital art and besides, i suck at it." We stood opposite each other, a papercut artwork between us. I mentioned about how digitalised manga club was, though when i joined i thought theyd do at least a bit more of trad art.

"I think there's more sincerity in traditional art..." i continued. "You can actually see the effort put into it- it s there- texture and form and all, right in front of you. There s life in the lines, the colour, the 3D effect of it... Whereas in digital art i dont feel that sincerity, that honesty. It s like you just see it flat. Sure it may have taken alot of effort but what comes out in the end is still this 2D piece, and youve to dig deeper and imagine the effort that was taken as compared to a traditional piece up-front; the feeling that i want just isnt there."

what the hell did i just say

Prim stared at me.

To my surprise, he nodded enthusiastically. "yes, yes, exactly. In the o levels you should do something that is an installation piece, but shows off your technical skills at the same time." Prim raised her eyebrows at him, then at me. Seedot went on rambling about god knows what, even i cant remember what he was going on about.

When we ran into him yet again there was stuff like "whaddya wanna do when you graduate? Poly? JC?" "i dont know. theres so much to choose from." "this is how you should feel, at your age." (wow this post is super detailed).

Then prim and i asked how he ended up teaching geog too, on top of art. "were you forced to?" "kind of, yes. actually i applied to teach at crescent, but with my degree i can actually teach uni. after this im probably gonna go uni and teach.... ..but ... ....so yaa...."

"oh," we said, at the end of it all.

"Then maybe i ll see you in uni," he smiled. "actually no lah by that time y'all graduate already," he said, laughing. "Anyway im sure you all dowan to see my face le, by that time."


like duh what you think sia

We went for lunch after that, at the college cafe, 15minutes. Prim and i shared a hearty italian pizza and a side dish of cheese fries. The other peeps attacked the fries too though xD i kinda wished theyd ordered it themselves, cuz i was famished and the fries were good. Seedot went to order his own food after us, and he kept walking back and forth, looking extremely confused. We students sat at the long table and watched him, getting pissed at his confusion.

"omg what is he doing," nicole said.

----
when we ALL finally got our food and settled down, we passed the special salad around. it was in a glass bottle/jar thing, and you had to shake the ingredients inside so it was mixed well.

"Um christal can you get some pla-"

"How many?"

"6."

"Okay."

"Uh thank you," he said. He seemed to feel bad for making me get up to get them.
----
Coming back with the plates, i distributed them and got back to my chair. i sipped my ice mocha as i waited for my turn to shake the special salad. the mocha was chocolatey, and anything chocolatey is nice xD when we had all shook the two jars of salad, i went over to where it was(which was mr seet), to grab some veggies. He emptied out the salads, one a mango citrus salad mix and the other one a plain chicken salad, onto two plates. i stabbed the leaves and prawns and all the crap in the salad with my fork and transferred it onto my plate. The others did the same too. Just as i was about to walk back to my seat at the other end of the long table, he stopped me.

"Eh wait."
I turned around, raising an eyebrow.
"Take more veggies leh," he said. He stood up, and with his fork, he gave me more greens. I stared at his hand as it went from the main salad plate to mine. I felt funny. His fork landed with a clink! on my plate.

A few awkward seconds went by. He didnt move and neither did i.

"Uh your fork-"
"Oh!" i broke out of my trance. Lifting my fork, i stabbed the greens down onto my plate to free them from his fork. "Uh, thank you..." i laughed awkwardly. My voice was strained and i knew it. Hurrying back to my seat, i was greeted with prim's questioning stare.

Eat your food, i commanded with my eyes. Miraculously, as if she d heard, she went back to her plate.

Oh, screw the awkwardness.
----

It was a nice meal. We knew he would refuse to tell us how much the bill was even if we asked, so we didnt bother. At the end of it, i stood up and offered to get some napkins.

"Anyone needs extra napkins?"
"Me!" someone said.
"Oh ya,"- was seedot's response.
"Me!"
"So i get 5. Is that enough?"
"Yepp, should be," seedot said.

i left the table and requested for 5 napkins from the counter. They gave me more than 5- alot more, so that as i was walking back to the table i was wondering what to do with all the extras. I went around the table distributing the napkins anyway, receiving thanks along way. seedot took the napkin from me with both hands when i waved it at his face, and he actually said "arigato."

DONT YOU TRY AND USE JAPANESE ON ME D<

I dumped the extras to jie hui, who kept it, i think.

"You look like a waitress," marlene said.
"Whaaaatttttttt...." came my reply.
"So mean. She help you all take things leh," seedot chipped in.
"Yala thats why. And she got the waitress look also."
i took a sip of my mocha and air laughed(the kinda laugh where theres no sound, you just huff out a breath of air with a smile).
"You can hit her with the wooden board," seedot joked. The pizzas that we devoured were served on a thick wooden board.
"No la i not so mean as marlene," i replied with a smile.
"Actually i look like a janitor... Got the look you know?" marlene said.
"Huh." went someone.
"EH GOT LEH!" someone else went.
i drained my mocha calmly and waited for the lame conversation to end.
----

Prim left at the end of lunch to prepare for her band preparation that night. I was more or less alone now, which left me quite satisfied, and free to wander about at my own will. Seedot brought us to even more exhibitions at the college. Things were boring again. Nicole kinda tagged along with me, and i had no vehement objections, so i let her. But on the way seedot slowed down from where he was at the front of the group and asked me "What games do you play?"

It was random, and i didnt expect it then, but i was indeed, waiting for him to ask. Since before school ended, since before i went for the UK trip.

"Diablo 3!" nicole exclaimed.

I smiled. I never did answer his question that day (he got carried away with diablo anyway). I could always ask him again, anytime i wanted.

The main thing was, my plan had worked.

It s time for Clause 2. Ho, how very exciting, unraveling your identity.

after very long.

ALRIGHT.

testing the new blog layout out. i wouldve gladly stuck to my old template with all the anime picts on it but alas:

"old blogger layout. goodbye!"

it had some really strange shit on the left hand margin(picture cannot be displayed). and the blog layout looks gross like that so i had to change it. funny why i bother, it s not like i blog much- but im sorry- just cant stand it. it s too glaring XP probably one of the pictures i used for the template got removed by the host site. tsk tsk. i think i ll update my mixpod while im at this revamp. many of the original songs i had there have been removed by youtube, as per usual -__-
----

and i found out that the first song i wanted to put in has been happily removed by youtube, too.
omg hell

"seriously, 54 songs? it s like my playlist is undergoing deforestation."

now, if youve heard the original version of heat-haze days, and liked it, the band edition(1st song on my playlist :) ) will probably give you goosebumps.
so all the best in getting goosebumps. it s quite a nice feeling, the tinkling all the way up your spine.

as for the second song Lost and Found, i listen to it alot. other than a strange liking for the art, i tend to fall into this queer mood nowadays where i just... i dunno. space out? it s a peaceful kinda spacing out though. not the confusing type. this song helps me pull my thoughts/feelings/whathaveyous together. really like the starting, though the chorus doesnt sync as much with me.

third song- tsukino. im particularly fond of jazz... that s about it. the song i really wanted you guys to hear is solitude by EVO+. it s a beautiful, beautiful song. EVO+'s voice is wonderful.... like melted chocolate or summin. gosh i cant describe it. it s heavenly. jazz-ish. BUT THEN YOUTUBE REMOVED IT. youtube's been doing weird shit lately. people say they get their accounts randomly deleted and they get automatically unsuscribed from channels theyve subscribed to and all kindsa stuff.

thank god i ripped solitude off from the mediafire link on the video before it got taken down though xD

okay final thing from me, one of ELECTROCUTICA's latest vids. i think it s like an ad for Windows 8 or something? anyways it s cool and the effects are good. i wouldnt mind if that anime girl became the Window's mascot xD


WATCH.IN.HD.
alright then. goodnight. theres an art outing tomorrow with seet. wonder how awkward it s gonna be xD

im becoming as spazzy as karena is xD 

RANDOM HAND MOVEMENTS! *nigahiga voice activated*

WHAT THE HELL IS IT THAT IS IN POKEMON GAMEBOY MUSIC THAT MAKES IT FEEL SO NOSTALGIC?!?!?

went onto youtube to listen to the ruby/sapphire tracks while writing the script for the speech assignment.

hmm... maybe cuz the music reminds me of the younger days i spent with my bro? XD

anyway. blogger interface changed again- i think it s too complicated. prefer the previous interface.

will try tumblr after exams! i promise.... myself.

hnnn~ should be studying, but i aint. prepared to do badly this mid years... maybe i should drop art?? dont even know if it ll help in my L1R5... only know it will for sure if i were taking AEP which is higher art... i wonder what wouldve happened if i accepted the confirmed offer for DSA to CHIJ... that wulda been higher art :/

asdfghjkllkjhgfdsa

my brother and i lead tragic love lives. the people we liked all left to go somewhere, leaving the tides and us behind....

meh. not going to school tomorrow. rejoice! i have alot of homework to catch up on though, including one horrible chinese compo. fell sick(again, i know) but this time its due to exhaustion. im overstretched- maybe even more than my folks at home. bah. eating yoghurt now. it s 1.16am.

maybe i should get a tumblr? i want to, but im afraid ill get addicted to it. many interesting things to repost, yaknow :P after exams i suppose. then i ll get one. but if i do methinks this blog will become pretty much idle.

i hope theres no bio SPA tomorrow. dontwanna retake it. dontwanna retake literature timed trail and the history test as well... especially history, cause i havent studied for it at all, and there is quite alotta content to cover.

hmmm...
so im kinda strangely attracted to this stranger on IG. he s cute, looks malay but i cant tell for sure. he always comments on my stuff, and another thing that brings us together is that we re singaporeans xD it s kinda strange to think of how you may just walk past your online game friend on the streets one day without knowing it, yet sharing a close and friendly online relationship... same goes for this guy. just that its not a game, its an online photo sharing community xD

okay okay gotta scoot now. thanks for reading! it s comforting to know people still pop by, even though my posting frequency is almost nonexistent. xD

wooo

trying windows live writer out!!!

im a landmine today.
maybe for now,
maybe for always.

so dont step on me.
otherwise i may explode
and i cant guarantee you anything anymore.

for those of you who terrifyingly still check back every now and then,
PLEASE COME EVERY 3 MONTHS D:

its not that ive abandoned this blog and got another one to rant secretly behind peoples' backs. its just that i dont have time to update. asdfghjkl but for those of you who still pop by, THANK YOU! T_____T

i do have alot to say. in fact now that our lives our so different(diff class/school/maybe you have a gf/bf right now and ive had a crush on you once/the other way round whatever etc) i wanna share with you more stuff about whats going on in my world~ but unfortunately my world doesn't set aside time for me to go on typing aimlessly like this, rambling and ranting on without proper punctuation and yada yada.

amath is horrible.

oh but if you do dream about me 3 or 4 years down the line do check back here :D im pretty sure i wont be changing my URL for as long as im sane.
its hard to keep sane in the world now but we all get by lol dont we? we have to. do drop a tag? who knows? i may be updating my blog next time even when im 20. maybe. i ll see how long i can keep this going. then perhaps we can meet up, when we're all like working.

pretty cool huh?

but cant imagine being that old heehee.

alright. toodles.
emath is horrible.