☂

-typed a few weeks ago, posted today-

i watched from above as i ran.
i ll be honest.
when i saw him downstairs,
i felt a new burst of energy erupt from within me.
as a sicko, i suddenly started at a sprint,
shooting past the nickoles.

"Wa why suddenly she run so fast"
i smiled to myself and kept my head facing straight ahead,
but my eyes were stuck to where he was.

it was then i saw.
walking from behind, he leaned in close to her.
she had long hair and didnt wear specs.
her head rested, balanced upon her hand,
her fingers resting, poised against her lips.

he whispered something into her ear,
and i saw her shoulders stiffen and rise
her eyes widening,
her fingers falling away from her lips.
i saw the expression on his face as he walked away
as the girl stared after him.

one of those sweet, deep, dark whispers
filled with the dangers of the unknown
filled with the excitement of the wilderness at night
the kind that makes your stomach flip
the kind that makes your skin prickle
the kind that makes your heart flutter and beat fast
the kind you long for him to do again
the kind where you feel his closeness to you
the brief flutter of his breath against your ear
like the touch of butterfly wings.
that s what it felt like to me.
but.
is it just something he uses on all the girls he wants to use it on?

wing lol i kinda remember last time you were like
"ewww hes so disgussting i ll never like himmm" *wrinkles nose*
then i ll be like "nooo he s not disgusting!"
look at now =..=

dont think that little bit of a whisper to another girl would affect you. probably.
i wont claim that i know you well.
but after talking to your weirdass brother with the american accent,
i think this traits kinda run in your family.
Youre bold, daring, adventurous. Willing to try anything. You fight for what you want, you live more in the present. And you like challenges.
just saying- you may think otherwise o.o

i ll be honest with you lol.
sometimes when i see you i just get pissed o:
like for no reason.
on good days when i can bear with the piss-thing/have excess energy i ll summon up enough energy to talk to you o:
sometimes when i see you,
i feel like sleeping.
sometimes when i see you,
i feel like ripping out ur hair.
sometimes when i see you,
i feel like ripping out his hair instead.
sometimes when i see you,
i feel like throwing mr chan at you
then he ll boing off.

i can talk to you online. like through tagboards and such without feeling asdfghjkl lol.
it takes up alot of the little pathetic energy that i have to talk to you in real life most of the time.
andd reading your blog is sometimes quite stressful for me LOL unless i very tired then i read and feel a bit ~ but then i go sleep then okay already o..o

plus youre the first dood that gave me such new weird feelings.
it s like...
a new pokemon added in the pokedex.
guess it counts as life experience.
i bet when you see me you feel like punching me too.
punchbags lol.
ohh and ive never been told "i hate you" straight in my face before. those who did it meant it jokingly.
new experience #2 o:
maybe in JC if i need to write personal recounts id write about our...
demented relationship.
and another demented guy who has to be a teacher.
it would be entertaining XD

and somehow 2 of my closest friends talk to you as well
i mean like wtf is that LOL
one writes letters to you by sending it to me through snail mail
the other spazzes about k pop with you.
and they fight for my... rights?
sounds like PAP.
it feels funneh o.o
like... wow? how did that even happen
you talking to my pri sch friends.
the thought itself is awkward.
cant even remember how you guys knew each other o...o
but i dont sense the awkwardness when you communicate with them
which is another strange point
maybe it s just me though.
but it does makes things a bit interesting.
see how you all talk o.o
MY.LIFE.IS.STUFFED.WITH.SO.MANY.WEIRD.STUFF.NOWADAYS.
T_T
i miss the normality(lol whud) of the 1st phase of my life
okay. those are my honest thoughts.

got that bit of energy today cause im eating beef noodles tonight LOL
andd the garlic is sweet.

---haxhaxhexagonalhexagon
and to you,
if i find out by sec 4 that ~ is the missing puzzle piece i ll smash you LOL
waste time sia

havent blogged in a long time.
math test tomoro, never study, thx to alina + cher ting.
no hard feelings =..= i think.

look in the prism
discriminate through such a way
only my rail gun can shoot
letting my soul out
what kind of english lyrics is that anyway

im scared.
it seems too fast.
but it may be good
but this one is a weird one.
quiet.
but cute i guess.
and gentle.

when we both came out of the same train door- he walking out and me going in,
i felt a strangeeee connection.
he is not mrt.
-
i asked him today.
says he went for easter service LOL WTF
pris was like whuuuddd when she saw him.
he was like 'eh hi'
or wassit 'hey hi'
but why would he say hey hi XD

hey you, thanks for worrying abt me
im touched that u put meh drawing on ur wall xD
wonder what u did with the notebook.
"disappeared from the face of the earth"

check back to my blog in a few months.
i shall let it die for a bit as i have gone back to traditional 'blogging', the written diary method~

but thanks for reading ^_^

[a few months ago, i wish i knew how to quit you.]
[i think i already found my answer.]
[i have to be honest- i feel happier nowadays.]
[haha this could make BBC headlines *thinks of tessa*]
[happy is a word i hardly type.]
[this is for everyone~]

idk wtf this is, dont ask.
just appreciate it xD

im angry with em.

why i talked to you so much today, i dont know.
it s not that im trying to get things back to the way they were.

i think it s because i was tryna get something through.
i wanted to tell you directly
what i saw
but no, it wouldnt work out.
i was so angry,
i talked alot.
i dont know why.
maybe cause im strange.

you were at the - when it happenned.
if only... you saw it.
if you saw what e did to a certain someone else
whom i dont know either.

it made me angry.

it may show that we you
whatever
holds no special position...
in e's heart.
or wherever e keeps e's feelings.
i dont know.
after you doing so much,
i dont think it s fair of em to do so.

1st time im feeling so angry on your behalf lol.
but rightfully, this someone is the one i should be angry at.
i dont know.
im not gonna let it affect me.

#0201

yesterday i skipped manga =..=
felt like an ass, cause i asked mr yip about some stuff THEN i absented(?) myself.
oh well.
then i went to ___.
things are not getting better.
where im brought up, ive been told to always keep my hopes low.
and that being nice would cause me harm instead.

i guess i tried being a bad boy.
i tried being nice; went against what my aunt told me to do. i shouldve never helped people. shouldve been selfish. self-centred even.

my own life is confusing me.
when im being a:
bad person = being nice to others.
good person = not helping others.

i think of happy things to post about.
but i cant find any.
or...
it s just my brain doesnt remember good things.

hmm... what im happy about now, i guess, is that my weather has been dominating recently.
it rains almost everyday. and that s awesome.
-

prayed to god last night. the usual.
"how's everything going on up there?"
then i thought about other stuff that i probably shouldnt be wondering about; but it s pointless trying to pretend those thoughts never crossed my mind.
god can read your mind anyway >_>
in between i had useless questions like:
Dear God, does every fifth baby have bad complexion??
Is every 800th baby born blind?
Do you have a number pattern for who has what?
every 2 babies has straight hair.
every 5 babies has frizzy hair
every 4 babies has wavy hair.
every 6 has curly hair.
is there a general term of the sequence?
lol.
or a formula thingy?
y= mx + c ???

why did you create illnesses in the first place??
why couldnt the whole world standardise and NOT STUDY so that we wouldnt have to get so much stress in the first place?

my mum said they used to live on Emerald Hill when they were young. It s somewhere in Orchard Road. they used to pick flowers after school. sew. bake. run around. grandpa used to make swings, she said. an uncle sold meat. they were well-to-do at that time, and the family business was running well.
but there was an uncle who gambled.
he ran up huge debts.
but still, he continued gambling.
no one in the family knew that he often went to gamble, but they knew something was wrong.
until one day, the authorities came.
they took away my whole family's possesions: the antique furniture, uncle's meat business(our only form of earning money), even the house.
they said even all these wouldnt be able to cover the debts my uncle owned.
my aunts, mum and uncles who were still in their secondary school years were forced to quit school.
they had nowhere to stay.

it was night; the maternal side of my family ran to a distant cousin for help.
that cousin had an elder brother. the elder brother worked overseas as a businessman, and wasnt just well-to-do - he was rich.
and so he bought a house for us.
at commonwealth crescent.
in a 3 room flat, my mum, my aunt,aunt M, my grandma, gramps, and 2 uncles lived.
7 people living in a 3 room flat.
it was crowded enough.
everyone struggled to make a living.

my aunt wanted badly to pursue her studies, but she wasnt allowed to.
grandma sent the boys(my uncles) to continue their studies, but they were playful.

grandpa was an idiotic slacker, he just ate and slept.
grandma sewed and made fabrics to sell. she looked for odd jobs to raise the family up. when she had saved enough, she finally let her daughters(my aunts and mum) pursue their studies.
they were sent to SCGS. singapore chinese girls school.
there werent qualifications to enter last time; you just went in.

but there were a whole lot of rich kids there. they were spoilt brats- chaffeured to and from school- they who laughed and mocked my aunt when she pronounced honour as hon-nour during a school play.

"the girl who mocked me most was a girl named Marina," my aunt recalls. " We had no money to study- unlike them. How good could our English have been even if we tried hard?"
The majority of the class were rich kids. The poorer kids were ostracised- and my aunts and mum fell into that small minority of a category.

they bundled together, tried to sheild out all the nasty comments and treatments.
even the teachers were warped- they favoured strongly those who were well-to-do to get in the good books of the parents.

grandma and grandpa constantly quarrelled.
with knives and choppers.

grandpa had a bad temperament; and grandma's slowly deteriorated over the years, for the stress and responsibility of bringing up 5 kids and her husband was hers alone.
my aunts and mum were fearful when their parents argued. shiny knives would be brandished.
theyd shed silent tears, with only each other for comfort.
their brothers would try, in vain, to stop the constant arguements. Fights.

but life still continued, with each day dragging on to the next.
grandma was always negative. she never praised my aunts or mum at all.
all she did as a parent was scold them, lecture them, and pour cold water on them.
she made them drink axe oil as punishment.
my grandma was a mother my aunts and mum could never talk to about their problems.
grandma would label them as sluts. hopeless daughters, she d say. with no use.
if only i never gave birth to you all, she d repeat, almost everyday, to her children.
these words; these negative comments, took a toil on my aunts and mother.

they became quiet.
they spoke to no one; their problems were bottled up within them alone.
going to school only to get mocked and ostracised, going back home to hear yelling; to see a useless father who refused to work, waving knives at a mother who tells her children that she shouldve killed them when they were born.
going home wondering if theyd even have dinner that night- or maybe even starve for the next few days til they had enough money.

-
life still continued.
my mum, aunts and uncles grew older. they found wives and husbands, got married, and moved out.

moved out of hell.

my aunt however, the one that lives with me now, wasnt able to get married.
my grandmother refused her marriage.
she still keeps in contact with the man she loves, but in secret.
sometimes id see this man when he comes back from America.
meet up with him along with my aunt.
he d buy me things...but.
i have my doubts about him.
but if my aunt fancies him...
okay.

a few years down the line, i was born.
for as long as i can remember, ive always been staying at commonwealth crescent.
i know no other home.
but if my fate was different...
if i were still living at Emerald Hill in Orchard, where the houses there now are worth millions...
How different would my life have been?

Taking my aunt's and mum's past into consideration...
Im probably who i am now because of them.
The same reluctant shell who clamps up.
and is silent.
Im like a piece of the present, from their past.
-

3 years back, my mum realised she chose the wrong man.
this is why i never trust blind dates.
on that day 3 years back, i remember his words clearly.

" i ll disown you."
he was on the train. i could hear his madness seeping through the phone.
i could feel my own tears trailing down my cheeks.
i could hear my mum sobbing in the living room, as she recalled him strangling her.

As she recalled everything- the money he was after, the threats he showered her with, how he made her kneel down in front of him to beg for forgiveness for god knows what, to how she escaped from the cinema- from him.

i felt the fear in my heart.

listened to my brother's voice when he called after my father did.
i strained for the warmth of his voice over the phone- why was he not beside me instead?

i know if the whole world were to turn against me
at least my brother would be there.

i used to think that way.
but im not sure about that anymore.
-

times have changed.
it always does.
the only 2 things that remain the same...
is that im a piece of the present, from my family's past.
and that
Time Waits for No One.

#0200

you gotta admit everyone's a little screwed up, one way or another. it's quite sad, really. excuse the cheesiness, but everyone deserves to be happy, i think. it's just that.. some things aren't letting them

in the end it'll be all right
in the end it'll be all right
in the end it'll be all right

who the fuck am i kidding

it wont be

we are all continually fucked up by something in our life, be it tragic or trivial.

we find solace in the fact all of us have to deal with ordeals.

we share tragedy, and that may be the one thing all of us have in common. and i think that really sucks

it s a good piece.

this is my 200th post. cheers to ageing.
gonna change blogskin soon-already have one in mind. Just need time to meddle with HTML codes.
sigh.

AHAH.
a little present for you who was the victim of my angsty messages today XD
i can see you frowning at the cam =..=
okayy LOL i guess you have these too but yeah just a bit of memories to rekindle..

one day during the hols lourdesu, we shall go play badminton, sweat it out, curse like theres no tomorrow, and let the shuttlecock represent our feelings as we drain ourselves by hitting it hard.
smash.
hear the satisfying clunk.
a drop of sweat, pinging away towards the ground.
smash.
air waves pulse behind it.
we d twist as we follow the shuttlecock.
thrust the racket into the air,
swing it,
maybe throw it around,
let it fly in the air,
smash.
and hit the ground.

i wanna see sparks.
the world alive in flames.
i wanna leap back in time.
then i ll stab columbus,
and be the first one to discover America.
Id live there alone,
tame the wild cats.
then id leap in time again.
back forth back forth
so im no lasting anoying memory anywhere
and no one will know
that i ever existed.

hey, this is christal. im out right now. leave a message after the tone.

you appeared in my dreams last night.
with knees up to your chin,
you hugged my d grayman pillow as you sat at the foot of my grandma's bed.
then weeds started growing around us.
you vanished
and in your place,
stood an old, black classical piano.
on it was a note.
"hit the high c's."
"hit the high seas."
you stood at the horizon
a vaguely familiar shadowy figure i could vaguely recognize as yours
and i swear
that on your back
were two ghostly, grey angel wings.

i cant be bothered with the 30 day thing xD
my blog s not gonna be dead. im just too tired/busy to post.
crezmail had 143 unopened mail when i finallllyyyy checked it.

there haz been quite alot happening these days, but i have not much time to post.
not like i can solidify my thoughts and smash them into a blog post anyway.

sooo therefore, i shall hereby end my extremely rambly post.

goodbye, and good luck with your lives.

D.001

hmmm..... it s like a 30 day blog project.
i shall attempt to do it and complete it.

Day 01 – Presentation of myself
Day 02 – My first love
Day 03 – My parents
Day 04 – What kind of food do I cook?
Day 05 – What is love?
Day 06 – If this was my last day…
Day 07 – Friends
Day 08 – Favorite things
Day 09 – My beliefs or philosophy
Day10 – Favorite blogs
Day 11 – My siblings
Day 12 – 10 things you didn’t know about me
Day 13 – A regular day in my home
Day 14 – Bad habits and burdens
Day 15 – My dreams
Day 16 – First kiss
Day 17 – Childhood memory
Day 18 – An embarrassing moment
Day 19 – I regret this
Day 20 – My role models
Day 21 – My bad sides
Day 22 – Things that upset me
Day 23 – My home
Day 24 – Things that makes me cry
Day 25 – Things I’m good at
Day 26 – My fears
Day 27 – My favorite place
Day 28 – Things I miss
Day 29 – This is what I want to do when I grow up
Day 30 – 10 deadly sins

===
Day 01. Presentation of myself.

Hayy. Im christal. Doozo yoroshikun onegaishimasu(haha lol OM line). Ive liked 3 and a half guys so far, and im a fan of Old Town Hazelnut Coffee and my dear cats. Music plays a big part in my life and I cant imagine myself without Vocaloid and Grenade by Bruno Mars right now XD Ive always had a secret interest in well, dancing. And singing. And making music. But I cant do any of those with emotion. Singing maybe, idk. My life is kinda screwed now.

I have many wishes too. 2, mainly.

I want to be prettier. Than the shitface i am now. Dont rebutt this; you dont have my skin condition; thus you cant really say you understand. Ive had guys telling me why the hell I look like that before- and trust me, the feeling i get when i hear such question just makes me feel like ripping my own face out, or forever looking at the ground when I walk.

Then, i really wanna have more confidence in myself. I didnt have much to begin with when i stepped into Crescent, but it turns out crescent sapped most of my remaining confidence away. I hesitate alot more before I do things- and sometimes I live to regret hesitating.

Doing things in the spur of the moment?

Nah. Ive forgotten how that was like.

-typed this morning-
life is tiring. it s just this drone that goes on in endless infinite circles. i cant even be bothered to type properly now.

it s currently chinese lesson.
my head refuses to absorb anything and thus i have stopped trying to devote attention to trying to listen. somehow my nose is burning... stinging like an antiseptic alcohol swab.

on sat i visited yullen.
and started sobbing. but as i teared, she licked my fingers gently. it was really touching. as if she felt what i felt.
but i know i shouldnt be counting on that. anyway, it was a nice feeling. she came back from scratching tree bark and weaved through my legs when i stood up to leave, which made me sit down again. then she went back to scratching tree bark and after i watched forawhile, i left.

this is extremely rambly.

zombies of the class after 2.4. everyone s dozing off or looking dazed.
it s still puzzling how some people can still pay attention.
jeez, shouldnt have ran.

started on a new diary.
having a headache.
tuh.